it’s been awhile since i last posted any sort of updates on my life. i have about five posts sitting in drafts that i started, then never finished. profound thoughts and feelings, and i may still feel them, but they seem less relevant now. more distant. dying stars in the night sky that once held so much importance, but are now slowly fading away—there and not, all at once.

i made a pretty big decision recently. my mental health has been in the dumps for a couple of months now, and everyday is another day that i’m crying from anxiety and so frustrated with how my life is carrying on. i don’t have much of a social life, i barely have time to play video games, and i certainly don’t have enough time to write. i work constantly, and now i’ve added school on top of everything else.

however, i figured i could push through that if i just worked hard enough; if i persisted and remained resilient. but then, something scary happened.

i’ve lost about fifty-five pounds (55 lbs) since November, and while it’s been super exciting to accomplish, it’s also come with a lot of side effects and consequences—mental and physical.

for transparency, i have been on Zepbound since November which has been helping me a lot with this weight loss journey. if you follow my TikTok, i’m sure you’ve seen me share a lot about this, but if you haven’t, i’ll tell you about it here.

Zepbound isn’t a magic drug that’s made me shrink. in fact, i’ve been putting in a lot of active effort to make it work as well as it has on the lowest recommended dose! my provider actually referred to me as a ‘super responder’ to the medication as i’ve lost twenty percent (20%) of my body weight on the lowest recommended dose. most patients would only see that success on higher dosages, and that makes me feel so proud of myself.

i am mindful about what i eat, and i exercise quite a bit, so it’s hardly passive in the way of sitting down and maintaining my previous lifestyle. it’s passive in the way that it does the heavy lifting of managing my appetite to make maintaining a calorie deficit effortless. i don’t have to count calories or micromanage every single meal. i can just eat what i like, prioritize the nutrients i require, and go on about my day.

however, weight loss via a GLP-1 can also result in some side effects as the slowing of stomach motility might affect other functions of your body—such as the gallbladder.

yep, i’ve been having frequent gallbladder attacks. the pain will sometimes last for over an hour, and if i wasn’t fully aware of the difference in symptoms despite their comorbidities, i would definitely think i was having a heart attack. but nope, it’s just gallstones…

and i still haven’t seen a doctor about it in the several months it’s been happening.

when do i have the time? i work 32 hours a week, i’m going to school, and i have to somehow find time to do my chores, take care of the odd errand here or there, and put active effort into my weight loss. it’s a lot at once, leaving me no time for leisure. i can’t write, or play World of Warcraft, nor go out with friends without feeling exceptionally guilty for not being productive.

how am i supposed to fit in a physical and bloodwork, a dental cleaning, and a pap smear? not to mention, my car only has ten percent (10%) of its rear brakes!

i’m at my wit’s end under the weight of all these responsibilities on top of my declining mental health. i’m typically a pretty resilient person, but the further i go on in this chaotic state of uncertainty, the less confident i feel in a future where things are better; and if the future holds nothing better, why would i want to get there?

at first, the idea of an unpaid leave of absence from work felt like an absolute impossibility. i’m a type-a chronic bag chaser—i cannot be without a paycheck. but as the weeks passed, i felt a huge wave of inspiration for writing that i hadn’t felt in months…only for it to die in a single evening because i had work in the morning.

do you know what it feels like to have passion ripped away like that?

one of the objections i raised in my attempts to talk myself out of this was, “even if i go on leave to get myself situated, how will that help me learn to balance my life with work?”

but after some conversations with my therapist, my close friends, and my partner, i realized that taking all the pressing matters off of my shoulders might alleviate the exhausting anxiety that holds me back. moreover, i’ve never actually given myself a chance at pursuing the career i really want: writing.

despite how i come across as a person, i’m incredibly risk averse. i do not gamble with anything in my life, sticking to the most stable path available to me. i know that you have to do the work of the job you want, not the one you have, yet i give myself no opportunities to do so. i mean, how can i when i don’t have the time nor energy to write?

if i can put something into motion, get myself organized, find myself a rhythm that i love to dance to, i might just come out of this leave of absence with the fire to pursue the life i want; find the motivation, and stop at nothing to replicate whatever i had during this time in a sustainable way.

it’s a risk to fuck up my future paychecks with little to no income, but i suppose it’s a problem for my future self now, isn’t it? (i hate that mentality so much, by the way.)

i spent weeks running the numbers, diverting my finances in a way that’ll make this a more reasonable endeavor, and i should be good when July rolls around, even despite the abysmal income. however, i definitely wouldn’t say no to additional support here or there.

i’m not expecting anybody to fund me, but any support provided will be appreciated—whether it’s a donation through this website or simply engaging with the work i’ll be putting out over the next four weeks.

listen, i know i’ve never been a consistent person when it comes to delivering my writing which is the primary reason i made sure i could do this without the generosity of others, but my whole goal is to make the most of these four weeks and experiment with what my life might look like if i could have it my way; if i could finally fulfill this professional writing dream i have.

you can doubt me, laugh at me, think i’m super fucking cringe, or even pray i succeed at nothing—it’s really not going to change my mind, and it certainly won’t dictate how things go from this point onward.

i do hope, however, that the reception is more positive than i believe, and that things might actually turn out the way i intend.