well, my month long leave of absence has come to an end. let’s talk.

if you’ve been keeping up with my website, i’m sure you’ve seen that i’ve managed to post a bit more. luckily, i did manage to get some writing in the past month—hell, i even put out chapter 16 of milk & black spiders earlier today! that’s way more progress than i’ve made in the past year…

so why does it feel like it just isn’t enough?

about two weeks into my leave, i finally went to urgent care after a particularly nasty gallbladder attack. my hope was to get a referral to a gastroenterologist, then figure out treatment from there. but as it turns out, that pesky gallbladder of mine had to come out immediately. not just because of the stones, but because of the reason for my stones—gallbladder dyskinesia! who would’ve thought?!

admittedly, this put a huge dent in my plans, especially since i ended trapped in the hospital for five whole days due to complications. thankfully, it cleared up on its own, and i was able to go home.

coming home, however, was a challenge as my entire routine i had planned and dedicated to was flipped upside down. even now, i’m still not clear to lift more than fifteen pounds (15 lbs) which means my strength training has been put on hold. my mobility for the first two weeks was limited by soreness, inflammation, and the risk of my gym sweat getting into my incisions.

so for the past three weeks, i’ve been trying my best to cope with the disappointment of it all. i had a particular idea of how this leave would go and it was just…a complete failure.

but was it really?

most of the things i set out to do, i accomplished: i got my car serviced, completed the bulk of my schoolwork, committed a good portion of my time to writing, and addressed my gallbladder issues. the only thing that didn’t happen was hitting a new weight loss milestone since i had to forgo my medication for the first two weeks post-op (i’m back on it now) and couldn’t go to the gym.

thankfully, i managed to maintain my current weight for the most part, give or take a few pounds. but i didn’t lose anything more, putting a dent in my trajectory and dismantling my momentum. i’m back in the headspace i’ve lived in my whole life regarding my weight—it’ll never happen.

it’s incredible how easily discouraged i am, even in a situation where a hiccup is justified. as everyone has been reminding me, i had a whole organ removed from my body! i’m still recovering! it’s okay for me to take it easy for a little bit!

but the logic gets nowhere where my emotions are concerned.

i’ve always held myself to impossibly high standards, almost ensuring failure. how is it possible for me to ever feel good about myself if i constantly downplay my accomplishments simply because it didn’t happen the way i expected it to; the way i wanted it to?

so right now, i’m really working hard on a mentality shift. as long as things get done, who cares how it happened? life rarely ever happens in a neat sequence, so why should i expect mine to?

i want to do things differently. i’m going to do things differently.

whatever i feel like writing, i’m going to write. no more worrying about whether what i’m writing will progress me further—it is enough to just write. i’m more likely to progress my desired career writing anything than criticizing myself into writing nothing at all. i need to stop feeling bad about wanting to profit off of my writing. two things can be true at once: i can desire success in the form of profit and consider others reading my work a success as well. my love for writing isn’t invalid simply because i’d like to pursue it as a career.

truly, i’m miserable at work, so i’ll just work less where i can! it’s not like i’m not given the time off—i choose to work more. i’m part time, and i’ll likely never secure a full time position, so i may as well take opportunities to rest instead of push myself beyond reason. no more overextending myself. better to focus on what i can do, not resent myself for things i can’t control.

as long as i get one thing done in a day, that’s enough. existence is so difficult—it is absolutely a victory to even just survive another day on this earth. there is no point in living within a constant state of disappointment for doing the things i set out to do because i didn’t do them exactly as i planned.

of course, these are all just words. i can write and publish this within the hour, then go back to old habits the next—so how exactly does one hold themselves accountable?

trick question: there is no answer. the only way you can hold yourself accountable for a mentality shift is to just fucking do it.

i’m going back to work tomorrow, and i’m not happy about it. and if i know i’m not happy about it, then maybe i should put a little more effort into changing that.

if you feel even remotely similar, i hope you choose to do the same. remember, we don’t have to live in misery, regardless of if we think we deserve it or not.